So Christmas has gone, the unbelievably loud German New Year has gone and it’s time to continue my pre treatment checks.
So I’ve got to have a couple of CT scans, blood tests, heart and bone scan and go through the process of freezing my eggs.
My cancer is in the early stages but is fast growing so my doctor doesn’t want to start treatment any later than the end of January so the fun process begins of ringing up all the different hospitals and departments in German.
So the one thing with Germany is, they love paperwork so here I was sat at my dining table surrounded by masses of paperwork, 4 appointment slips, my German school books with prompts for booking an appointment and FILLED WITH NERVES.
Obviously I’ve just found out the news and now got to make all these calls. One thing I have to say though, is the speed that all of this has happened helped my logical, planning brain to just have things lined up as one big check list.
So booking the appointments was pretty terrifying but we made it. Some wanted to practice their English and we had a lovely conversation, others not so much but we got there!
I had a bone scan, that was weird, this was my first one, lying in this weird tunnel, while this huge machine goes over me, in my knickers, in the middle of Berlin thinking what the fuck is going on here.
All my other scans went well, there’s not much to report on that really. The doctors have been amazing. Plus the anxiety to practice my German and psych myself up to face the receptionists brings more anxiety than what I am going in there for!
Bone check DONE
CT Scans DONE
Heart Scan DONE
I tell you what though, seeing on a screen your internal organs looking healthy, showing how they “should” be, functioning optimally doesn’t half change your whole perception of your body. Why am I worrying about, I don’t know, my tummy looking a bit much in an outfit or panicked as I still can’t shave my knees properly at 33 (seriously, can anyone shave their knees flawlessly first time?!) when A) I have created that story and B) my body is functioning in so many incredible ways that is just taken for granted. It was just very humbling, grounding and beautiful seeing my body function and knowing everything is doing it’s thing perfectly. Everything else seems irrelevant and I just felt overwhelming pride and gratitude for my body. My soul felt separate from my body and I was routing for my body, so thanks girl you are smashing it.
Next stop – Eggs! Fertility treatment on going. Going through the process of being pregnant and starting a family has always been “no way not yet”. I always imagine having a family in the future but the present moment never seemed to be right, does it ever? I know it’s my justifying not wanting to do it yet, there is always something to do, book or plan isn’t there. I guess where moving to Berlin and going on this new adventure naturally it pushed everything anyway but when curveballs like Clive come in and it takes the “plan” away, it can feel upsetting.
Being in control is a huge thing for me that I continue to work on and this journey so far is really helping me actually. I have no choice but to lean in and trust, trust the medicine, trust my body and trust the process. I believe timings are everything but still when hearing the therapy will impact my ability to conceive naturally and because of the meds I can’t do anything until I’m 35, also changes the dynamic.
The age is irrelevant for me, it’s more the timeline being presented to me. However now I have processed this, the fact that this timeline has presented itself to me makes me feel great. It means once this year has been used for all the healing it needs, we have 2 years of solid, fun, adventure, and no pressure to even think about it or ask the “shall we now” questions. That is going to be a Fleur 2027 issue to solve and work through.
I’ll be honest though, I know wanting to have a family and be able to conceive is very important and I am sure future me might look back and be a little annoyed with present me, but to be honest it doesn’t feel important right now. I need to go through the fertility treatment, but I feel totally unattached to it. I know I need to go through it to freeze my eggs but it’s not something A) I’d never thought of or B) anything I thought I would have to do. Now it feels a means to an end, another thing on the list that quite simply feels like a tick list.
I know that might sound insensitive especially if this is something you are going through or have gone through and I don’t mean it to, it’s just in my mind right now, it’s purely because I was not at that stage in my life yet and all I can think about is starting the process to get Clive out of here.
Skip to a cold Winters day, I am super wrapped up, cosy slipper socks, many layers and my huge duvet jacket making my way to the fertility clinic.
I get called in by an older male Doctor who does speak English and is pleasant, giving me the GP vibes and he says okay let’s do a scan to see what’s going on…he leads me to the next room and there’s a chair, a little curtain and a bed.
I get nothing other than “pants down”. I sheepishly hide behind this small semi-circle shower curtain but babes, I’ve got skinny jeans on. Okay great what’s the issue? Well the issue is it gets stuck in my fluffy sock around my heel.
Imagine the scene, mid 60s German male doctor, sitting at a chair waiting for me in a deadly silent room. He’s putting a condom on his Harry Potter wand. WAIT, I can confirm that is not a reference to anything other than the medical equipment he is using for the ultrasound. Okay there is no wording that doesn’t sound bad when I say that, basically the camera that is going straight up my vagina!!!
Back the shower curtain, my peach is just slightly sticking out the side of the curtain, I am going red, sweating and I just cannot get my fucking trouser off. I apologise he said it’s fine, it’s all very awkward especially as we’re in Germany, you can forget sarcasm and light humour right now. Okay we get there and “pants are down” and I go to sit in the chair. Now I have experience with the NHS, we get a bit of dignity tissue, we lie back on the bed and whatever needs to be done is done. Well babes, that doesn’t happen here let me tell you.
Just a casual chair, sat up, legs spread, no dignity tissue, here’s my vagina hello practically saying hello itself as he sits eye level ready.
Just relax Fleur, this is his job, it’s just a body part, there is nothing even to it, what’s the problem here?!
Bit of lube on the tip and in we go. Showing me things on a screen that looks like nothing other than grey, white noise. Wiggling his wand around like Harry Potter doing spells apparently showing me my ovaries. I’ve got no idea what I am looking at, all while trying to relax with a wand whizzing around internally. “Ohh right, wow, great”
This whole thing lasted about 3 minutes, straight back to the bloody curtain and back down to his desk.
Fast forward a few weeks, my period comes and I start taking the medication to get those eggs flowing ready for collection.
This is where the German to English translation really works beautifully. I emailed the clinic to confirm about some of the meds that I am taking and I translated the email and they were very helpful confirming what was what but then I scroll down…
Now if you don’t know much about this process, I had to take an internal tablet for the vagina, a ‘fizzy for the foof’ or a ‘berocca for the beaver’ if you like. Orally I took a tablet and then daily injections. This started day 2 of my period and was for about 5-7 days. Then the day before I went in for the actual procedure I had to take another injection of a different medication. Very clever!
Back to the email.
I scroll down the translated email….
“Time to squirt” Then the email was signed off.
Time to Squirt?? Sorry what is happening.
So the night before the procedure came and it was time to squirt! So I took my final injection (the squirt) and got a good nights sleep.
0730am the next day I arrive at the Fertility clinic, feeling pretty nervous to be honest. This is my first time going under and I remember seeing a film with my sister in 2007 called Awake. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about having an operation, going under but your still awake but paralysed so you can feel everything but can’t do anything.
Well naturally, that’s what’s going to happen to me isn’t it? I will be the 0.00001% that this happens to.
After some self soothing meditation on the hospital bed with my little naked bum on the sheet, it was time for me to go.
Okay sure, I was upside down legs in the air, out in 3 breaths, didn’t even have time to think about it. Tell you what though, I actually quite liked that going under, well the bit just before you are asleep obviously.
A success!!! It went much better than expected and they managed to get 10 eggs hooray! Enter another huge gratitude for my body!
That completes the pre checks. Eggs in a freezer somewhere, body has been given the all clear and no treatment has had to be delayed.
Next week I have my pre treatment consultation then it’s time to enter the ring. Liquid Sunshine LET’S GO.
