I have been umming and aaing how I was going to talk about chemotherapy. Naturally it is something that to be included in my writing, it’s probably the hardest part. I just haven’t been sure how to best utilise my writing towards it.
See the thing is with chemotherapy, of course there are “typical” symtoms but every medicine is different, every person is different, things are going to look and feel so varied across the board.
Before I went into this, perhaps a little self torturous but there were moments where I would get into a youtube hole watching every vlog about getting through chemotherapy, what symptoms, way to make them feel better, what to do if….
You can see how it spirals right? We think power of knowledge, the more prepared we feel the easier it will be? Wrong.
I don’t know because I am not a mother yet so excuse my ignorance if this is completely wrong but I imagine this to be similar to motherhood. Getting lost in a maze of books, blogs, people’s advice, videos, workshops on preparing for motherhood. Nothing actually prepares you.
You never fully know what it’s going to be like until you are in it and can’t do anything about it
This is the same here. People who have not been through it use examples such as hangovers and illness, “If we can get through that hangover, you’ll be able to get through this”
Of course it’s said in a light hearted nature, trying to bring reassurance to a moment but in reality there is no preparation for what feels like shit.
It’s incomparable to any other feeling that I’ve had before.
See straight after chemotherapy I feel very tired, legs start to feel heavy, I just feel very worn out. Then the next day you feel okay, you feel pretty normal so to speak and immediately believe you have cracked the code of life and then BAM. I mean let me tell you I am glad it got better for me because my first round was a shock to the system, I had the tick list of symptoms sorte
Sickness, nausea, migraine level headache, diarrhoea, continuous stomach ache, couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink, high temperature, no energy, no strength, tingly and tight muscles, mouth filled top to bottom with ulcers, dry skin….the list goes on and on.
Suddenly the times I’ve heard older people say they don’t want to go through chemotherapy again, they’re not doing it, all made sense.
This level of intensity didn’t stick around but the symptoms have. As I write this I am thinking the other cycles weren’t as intense but all this side effects have still been there, amazing what you start to get used to isn’t it?
So I remember after the first round started to really kick in, I was sat on the toilet and it felt like I could feel it rushing around my body, swirling, swooshing, like when juice or dye first hits water like a big drop and you watch it find it’s place within the water, searching for the corners, quickly colouring every last mm.
In that moment I knew this is a beast not to be messed with. I am a strong, healthy, fit, young human being and I felt I was being taken in that moment, like a Dementor from Harry Potter had swooped in.
I stood up from the toilet barely being able to lift my head let alone walk. Yes, the impact happened that quickly.
That was it. It had me. I was the prisoner in Clive’s prison.
