The day that shaped 2024 in seconds.
Hi I am Fleur and this is my blog following my journey of 2024 which just before Christmas served me the biggest curveball of all.
The five words of “It is a cancer diagnosis”.
Now, I am writing this blog throughout my journey because I am an ‘expat’ from the UK living in Berlin. I am currently learning the language (I’ve been told I have to go to German school) and so I will be navigating this road with English and broken German and going through the process of healing!!
I will be sharing the process, the weird and wonderful situations I find myself in going through this in Germany, like going to the fertility clinic and with my older German male Doctor telling me short and sweet “pants down”.
This journey is going to be filled with light and laughter, rawness and vulnerability but most importantly opening the conversation around the journey, the unsung heroes and the mindset moments I continue to have. Oh also swearing, just as a warning there will undoubtably be some cheeky swears in there.
I would like to point out I am by no means laughing about having this diagnosis, I am making light of situations that carry so much weight. I am a very energetic, positive person and nothing will change that! I also want to say that everyone’s journey is very different, and this quite honestly has nothing to do with anyone else, this is based on my experience, how I feel, how I am processing.
The word is so heavy, we all have different experiences, we all have different histories, genetics, BODIES and so it’s incomparable. Throughout sharing this experience and documenting, it’s going to help me but if it helps anyone who’s either going through it, has gone through it, or been affected and it helps heal or rewrite a narrative then I am one happy bunny. Perhaps you just want to read it then I am super happy too and I really appreciate you being here.
The whole way through I also want you to remember when someone asks how deep is the mud, it depends on who you’re asking because we all experience things differently through a different lens. As much as I am writing this for me, this is also for those who have gone through this, know someone who has or in some way been impacted by it. Sharing light and love in a room that can be so dark.
We think we are invincibles as humans, news happens to other people, it doesn’t happen to me, right?
We hear so much about cancer, it’s loaded, it’s big, it’s heavy and we all have different relationships with the word based on previous experiences and understanding. I always thought that if I heard news like that for me, I would be older, or I would feel a certain way when receiving the news. Quite honestly I am not sure how I should feel. I thought maybe there would be a certain feeling but quite honestly there isn’t.
Maybe it’s naivety or disillusioned view points but I am not connecting to my cancer in the way that maybe I am “expected” to.
What even is that? I am not sure.
The way I see it at the moment is, this is happening to me, I can’t avoid it, I need to lean in, work my way through the treatment and get me to the other side. My immune system is compromised, I need to keep my mood, energy and focus up.
I am extremely grateful that I specialise in fitness, nutrition, and mindset, I have the most incredible tools, mentors, and support around me not to mention friends, clients and my online community, I couldn’t ask for more.
That being said I have also received news that it’s caught early, the treatment is very effective, so again so incredibly grateful for that.
I don’t feel grief for what my life has been, or is, what I should or shouldn’t have done, I feel grief for what my year could have been. The adventures that must be put on hold, the flights home, the people I now must wait even longer to see.
I know my health is important, I know it’s only temporary and I know I have the rest of my life for adventures, but it doesn’t make those things easier in the moment. Time is precious after all and one thing we don’t get back.
I haven’t been able to squeeze my Mum and Dad in a really long time and now I have to wait even longer!!
Although, I feel so grateful and lucky, I have THE most incredible army behind me, how can I be scared when I am being lifted by the most unbelievable people in my life who I trust my whole life with?
Also it’s really hard to connect to something that is of ‘ill health’ when you feel normal. If I hadn’t had found a lump, I would be none the wiser. I feel normal, my energy is good, my movement is good, my brain, well that’s always a bit full and fluffy but I am me. What do you mean I have an unwanted guest?
I know I am going to have my dark days, I know I am going to be weak, I know I am going to feel so lifeless at times but I will get through this. I will get through this with smiles, energy from others, dancing and of course fabulous different colour wigs.
For me, hearing I have the diagnosis wasn’t the upsetting part per se. I guess with statistics sadly being the way they are and family history, did deep one day I think this day would come? Yeah.
The tough part was hearing that fertility is at risk, as the treatment impacts that a lot. It’s hearing I am going to lose my hair, processing and grieving for the year I haven’t even experienced yet. The words fell into the pragmatic part of my brain, the story I gave that, that’s where it’s difficult.
We moved to Berlin a year ago and don’t get me wrong, we love Berlin, I love Berlin but moving to another country has not been easy. It’s not been an easy year; blood sweat and tears has gone into the new life here and now it feels the next year is wiped out just as things were settling.
I may not be able to get on a plane or go trekking for hours, but I WILL still find pockets of fun, be outside and find oodles of joy in every single day.
As you can tell this blog is me writing while I think. Typing while the thoughts come into my head so sorry for the loop the loops that this will probably go in.
After being diagnosed, there is so much incredible support, it really is amazing. This is serious, this is life changing, however for me, I need brighter sunshine energy around me. Not reading awful side effects or outcomes that could happen. Whatever my journey looks like, I don’t want it to be filled with doom and gloom.
This is going to be tough, but I am ready for the challenge, I trust, love and appreciate my body and I am ready to tap into strength I never knew I had both mentally and physically and come out of this the other side ready for the biggest adventure ever.
Oh by the way, as I mentioned and we all know cancer is a very heavy loaded word so from here on out, we are calling it Clive (sorry to any Clives out in the wild).
So this is me, Fleur, and this is the demise of the unwanted fucking prick. Clive and me.
First stop, appointments & pre chemo scans…
