Well this is a far from ideal scenario in terms of timings but this is actually super exciting!!!
So, let’s talk Clive first. Despite symptoms being less intense than previous rounds, they have been up and down like a rollercoaster. Previously it’s taken about a week to feel the bounce back, whereas this has been two. This is the first time where I have felt, well ‘ill’.
My body composition is changing a lot which I find challenging, I am struggling to put the weight back on and my muscles feel they are evaporating. It’s not really a case of feeling, they are. I have dropped a lot of weight in a short time and due to my medication I haven’t been in a gym for 6 months nearly either! Of course my body shape is going to change, I just didn’t realise how much I had my strength and strength training as part of my identity. Strength training makes me feel amazing, strong and confident. As does all training, it’s hard not having that. However grateful for my walks!
This feels tough because mentally, I feel “back”, however physically my bounce back is to probably 60% of me. It’s hard to see the decline and the strength of what is happening when it’s over time, but this week, I felt it, I noticed it, I can see it. I can see it in my eyes, my skin, my face, I can feel it in my body just sitting. I feel weak but so strong at the same time, it’s an odd feeling.
Suffice to say I have liquid sunshine next week again (4th round YAY!) but it feels too soon, it feels tough thinking about mentally preparing myself for this next round.
This sounds heavy but my mood is up, I am moving it through it confidently and contently and as each week comes more adaptions are made.
I am off school this week so it gives me a chance to have some breathing space which is a good thing seeing as here is the next big update that spins another wild card for 2024.
We are moving flats….
In two weeks…
I know, ridiculous. Long story short, new owners took over our block of flats and they don’t allow pets, our tenancy runs out the end of May to which new contracts will be issued with no pets!!! Weird energy is happening around this block at the moment so instead the predicted of being forced out, we thought we’d look for somewhere else if we could.
I saw somewhere and in true Fleur impulsive fashion booked a viewing and that night we sent all our documents finding out the next day we were accepted despite a lot of other interest!!! (This was Thursday).
Now, yes you are right, this is a lot BUT the universe has done us a solid. We found a flat we adore, stays with the same agents, they are getting us out this contract early, the location is perfect, all the small things we wanted when moving – it has! SO yes, moving in two weeks with liquid sunshine in the middle far from ideal however moving into what will be our long, term flat here in Berlin feels a gorgeous reset.
Considering a lot of my liquid sunshine and diagnosis has happened in this flat, I am happy to move to a new space. Even though the treatment is far from over, it feels right.
I feel so grateful and lucky it’s ours, I quite like packing anyway and being able to sit on the balcony with the evening sun feels like heaven.
So 2024, you really are turning up for the year of challenge and growth and I’m actually here for it.
I’m learning, growing, and evolving so much as a person and a coach and of course I would rather not have Clive but that’s wasted energy as it’s here. The strange thing is I just don’t know what boxes these lessons are going into now. Floating around the universe into the abyss, which will be collected at some point when I have to rebuild who I am at the end of this I guess.
Learning to lean into trust, acceptance and not avoiding despite wanting to push it all down is vulnerable, exposing, and uncomfortable.
For now I must get onto pack as I have my next round next week and so we only have a week to pack the flat up and get ready because then I am out!
So babes, off to get some boxes catch up soon!
F x
