Anxiety is a cruel mistress who unfortunately I learn more and more each day how many of us suffer from it.
Every person suffers differently so I thought I would just write some thoughts out loud. Really to show comfort and support to my clients, friends and family that when it comes down to it we are all as fragile as each other.
I want to have a community for myself and everyone around me personally or professionally to be able to share, release, support and empower each other.
Now I never used to suffer from anxiety, but over the last 12-18 months she is has really taken a place in my life. I feel fortunate that I can still leave the house and I touch wood am yet to have a serious panic attack but I thought I would share, perhaps as a good release for me, it’s nice to distract the mind you know especially as I am writing this on the plane before going back to work after a super fun week away.
As soon as the sun goes down that’s when she really gets me.
I’m on a waltzer with loads of people holding up signs around the edge. I get spun at crazy speeds and I am expected to read them clearly. However as you can imagine nothing has any clarity. After a point of about 50 spins and many happy hardcore tunes later my brain goes into a meltdown and DING. Naturally eliminating any melatonin (sleep hormone). There she is, strutting her way down and holding the biggest pot of her strongest coffee in front of me, (Insomniac realness apparently). Slamming it down , saying drink all of this so you can slowly concentrate on every thought properly that you are having.
Okay great helpful thanks hun.
So this is where the catastrophising comes in. You know when you get lost in a day dream like in the queue for petrol after reading a sign for this weeks euro millions? Before you’ve even got to the cashier you’ve planned your whole life, how many dogs you’d have and the colour of your new lounge walls.
Well it’s like that but instead of getting lost in a pleasant day dream we get every thought turned into the worst possible outcome.
Thank hun.
This is where I start to freak out, not only do I believe the thoughts in the first place my control gets taken away from me.
Now… those that know me, know I’m a control freak and I know I am too. Times it is beneficial, other times it is not. Now with anxiety, this is not.
With things I can’t control in day to day situations, most of the time I can stay relatively calm and relaxed. If its something I can’t change then okay there is nothing I can do let’s just be present and deal with it. Equally if its something I can change I am fairly good and changing that to adjust my mood.
BUT This comes with a big but and not the good kind.
If we are talking internal ‘situations’, purely in my mind scenario’s, thoughts and feelings this is the lack of control I find extremely uncomfortable.
How so? Its your mind, you can control it right?
In those moments I don’t feel I can. I feel that my body leaves my mind where it is and I’m looking down on just a little brain going tenfold speeds. I cannot control what it’s doing, I cannot control the thoughts that are travelling faster than the autobahn. When my conscious mind tries to catch the thought and question it and say look ‘is this based on fact?’ (Which my best friend Alex from across the pond always helps me with and most of the time I can get a handle on it!) but sometimesI just miss it.
It’s like my body is playing a game of ‘wack a mole’ against my brain and the thoughts that I cannot control.
The plus side of this happening at night is I don’t lash out irrationally at those around me as its the only release I have at the time.
The negative side of this happening at night is I have no release to anyone and its just me myself and I locked in this cat and mouse chase.
It’s as if I go into lucid REM sleep, eyes go nuts, breathing increases and there is literally no escape. I try and change position, go to the toilet, walk to another room just to change environment to see if I can reset.
I am tired. I can’t cry, I can’t laugh, I feel numb apart from in my gut. They say your gut is your second brain and linked with mental health and despite research recently backing this up I don’t think we need any research to confirm this. My gut takes on all the emotion, feeling as though you’ve been politely punched (nothing too aggressive but enough to know she’s done it).
Then the ever going cycle of work comes in, when I feel like this or in a more depressive state I fling myself into work. I must work as much as possible, there’s always something to do. It’s never enough, it’s never enough for people to see i can help them. It’s never enough for me to understand in myself that what I’m doing and saying IS helping people.
Must.keep.going.
Now I am a lot better these days as naturally I burnt out and my breakdown happened when I’ve never felt so lost and detached but without the breakdowns the breakthroughs don’t appear right?
Anyway without going on forever boring you all, I find meditation and breathing is the best for me whether that’s getting lost in a favourite house track or a relaxing guided meditation focusing on my breathing. That’s probably because I still feel uncomfortable talking about how I’m feeling, especially when I know how irrational I’m being but hey this is why I thought I’d write this because I’m telling myself what I tell those around me.
Talk to me. How are you? What’s happening? Release and let anxiety evaporate with it.
How does everyone else deal with their anxiety?
I am looking to set up once a month on the last weekend on Saturday or Sunday ‘Walk and Talk’. Time to offload with friends, make plans with strangers or just walk in silence and be in presence with others.
Who’s in? i’d love with hear from you and your thoughts!!
Thats enough from me today anyway babes night xx